Our daughter is such a blessing. Whenever anyone in our family is not feeling well, either emotionally or physically, she behaves in such a selfless, tenderly compassionate way towards them. And this behaviour has been typical of her since she was able to communicate in her own limited way. Even when she was a new born who could barely control her limbs, she would often strive to hold out her little hand so she could touch my face when I nursed her several times each day. Truly amazing, We feel so blessed to have her unconditional love manifesting in our family.
And we aren't the only ones who feel like this. She has affected her teachers and educational assistants this way too, for the last nine years. To the point where she has even brought many of them to tears by her expressions of pure, unconditional love, or so they have told me.
There's no doubt about it; she is extremely loved and loveable.
Sadly, the bond that ensues when she works her magic on everyone outside our family has caused us grief at times. Grief that others have a really hard time comprehending. It has to do with our roles as parents and how others have neglected to honour our privacy and it has showed up almost predictably every so often when someone who has minimal life experience, lacks sensitivity, or isn't a very good judge of human character, spends significant time with our daughter.
Here's how it goes down.
About halfway through the school year, someone gets inordinately attached to her and we get the inevitable phone call from them. Sometimes they have even been known to manipulate someone else to make the phone call, but either way, that call gets made.
The phone rings and the call display shows it is the school our daughter attends. The person on the other end of the line politely introduces themselves and whatever role they have in the school and then the real fun begins.
I have had comments made on the content of our daughter's lunches, comments made about the state of her health (which, because she had open heart surgery when she was an infant, I am hyper vigilant about and practice intense preventative medicine in order to see that she is super healthy at all times - typical behaviour of anyone who has had a child go through what our daughter has been through) and comments made about the fit of her clothing. You name it, I have had some nosy, controlling, insensitive, educational professional overstep their boundaries, assume I am NOT doing my job and make that first phone call, which leaves me feeling incredibly violated and wondering what would happen if I were to reverse that pattern and call them about the personal non-educational issues in their family members I thought needed correction, advice or just plain old intervention.
Honestly, I have heard it all.
One time, I got a series of phone calls about a runny nose. Our daughter had caught a cold and because, most of the time she rarely even broke a fever, I generally sent her to school even with a runny nose and that is what had happened this time. And let's be honest, most kids do go to school when this happens if they are still energetic and happy and seem otherwise fine. They stuff their pockets with Kleenex and off they go. No big deal. While I am very careful about anything that looks serious, I will not coddle my children. Anyway, the point remains that she was not really ill. But the EAs and her teachers apparently thought I was being negligent and called several times insisting I pick her up. Finally, one of them even had the gall to say she had a sinus infection because she knew all about how to diagnose these things. What? My first impression was that those frequent PD days must include medical training to teachers now. I asked her how she knew and she got quiet and then said it could be determined by the colour - excuse me for the graphic nature of this information - of her snot. I almost laughed aloud. I was tempted to say, "And I assume then you are checking the mucous output of all of your students in order to determine who goes home and who stays put?" But I knew I couldn't say that and so I just politely told her I did not agree and that every time I had foolishly taken her to the doctor his consencus was she was fine and not to pay attention to every Tom, Dick and Harry who said she was unwell when my own good, well-honed motherly instincts said otherwise. I mean, Jeez Louise.
Then there was the time that I got a call from the school counselor who said my daughter was coming to school regularly with clothing that was too small for her and therefore uncomfortable. Du uh. Earth shattering, sure to cripple her for life kinda stuff. Bet it made that counselor really feel she was earning her salary that month. To clarify that one, what had actually happened was, for three months in the fall, my husband had dressed her for school. Most of the time he had chosen something that was just fine but a handful of times, she had gone to school with too tight jeans and, indeed, the counselor was right about this on those few isolated occasions. And I was aware of it, having thrown out the offending pants. But that was several months earlier and by the time I got the call, Christmas had come and gone and do you know what Santa and everyone who loved her gave her under the tree? Let me see if I can count. There were 14 pairs of pants, 17 shirts, three sweaters, 18 pairs of sox, several new bras, two new pairs of good quality winter boots, some new shoes and, if memory serves me correctly, some outer winter wear, including mitts and a new hat. Whew. It took her a while to unwrap it, she got so much. Nobody and I mean NOBODY in their right mind could say with integrity that our daughter isn't or wasn't well cared for. And yet, when I immediately responded with an, "Are you kidding me?" (this time I withheld nothing from my gut response to this self righteous, totally inaccurate attack on our reputation as parents) and, "Do you realize how incredibly innappropriate this is?", followed shortly afterward with, "If our daughter were normal would you be making this phonecall?" she had the stupidity to say, after a short pause, "Yes, of course." Needless to say, I said, "I think not," and as soon as I hung up I called the principal to explain what had happened. My blood pressure went up as he thinly tried to defend his staff member. I suggested that if the problem had been dealt with back when it had happened, maybe I would not have responded so intensely. But this was three months after, when the problem had been remedied by an onslaught of new clothing over the holidays. To boot, it had never even been a real problem of concern. I undressed my daughter that fall every evening when I gave her a bath and took care of her after school and I was totally aware of how many times she had been sent to school with too tight pants and I can tell you, not only had I asked my husband to take better care when choosing her outfit, but I knew it had only happened a few times. Go figure.
And it wasn't like she was being dressed immodestly. I would have totally gotten that, I really would have. I happen to strenuously agree with school dress codes and think they should be enforced rigorously. Or perhaps if I had been made privy by the principal to any corrections of other students' dress habits, I may not have felt so singled out for this idiocy. I mean, haven't we all seen kids trotting off to school dressed in shorts on a milder day in winter and wondered what the parents were thinking about? It happens all the time and nobody, surely not a teacher, EA or principal ever addresses it. Not by a long shot. They'd be too scared. And you know why? It's because the reason those kids are dressed that way in the first place is because the parents probably weren't aware of it or perhaps did not really give a rat's patootie and no education professional in their right mind wants to tangle with anyone of that ilk. No, they save all their misplaced aggression for the good ones, the ones who are likely to be deeply marked by this kind of stuff. i.e. - Parents like us...
Furthermore, I do not know when teachers, counseling staff and EAs suddenly decided it was OK to violate folks like us in this manner. It doesn't help at all and more often, we who are the most responsible, who are actually giving the best care to our children because we do have refined sensibilities and strong connections with them, are compromised and hurt. Not to mention stressed unfairly. Honestly, when parents are negligent, even this kind of crap doesn't mean diddly to them. And then, no change takes place. It takes a sensitive, responsible, good parent to be hurt.
And honestly? I have only seen these phone calls come in on the short days of the year, when teacher burnout is at an all time high and students from broken homes whose parents really don't give a rip mostly because they haven't got a clue how to, make it hard to be a teacher or EA or school counselor.
I hope someone who has the day-to-day, educational professional care of a school aged, disabled child reads this and learns from it. I really do.
Maybe then we folks who are doing our all out best will catch a break.
