When his baby sister was born, he had been the king of the roost for almost three-and-a-half years and was accustomed to being the centre of attention. Typical first-born. Then, along she came and, right from the get go, stole that spot light from him, by merit of her medical conditions. She was born with Down Syndrome and had some life-threatening issues, like septicemia, thick blood, elevated hemoglobin and the need for open heart surgery to correct a serious heart defect. Just a few days after she was born my husband and I were brought into a conference with her medical team. I had a chance to talk without interruption and told the team we wanted to have another child so our firstborn would not grow up to be selfish. I added, "I guess there's not much chance of that happening now." I meant it as a rather brave attempt at humour, but you could hear a pin drop.
And, I have to say, through it all, he has shown an amazing sense of awareness of the unspoken, as he has sailed through the ins and outs of his sister's special care needs over the years. Even before she was born, when my belly was big and made it hard for me to navigate, he would open car doors for me, in the absence of having been shown how to do that by his father or uncle, who lived with us during that period. Only once or twice has he ever voiced any suspicions of having been overlooked because of his sister's needs. And I am pretty sure it wasn't because he was shy about it, either. That just isn't his style. He's always been very transparent. If there was something wrong, he'd let us know, sooner or later. And, I might add, it wasn't like we were ideal parents, either. God knows we made loads of mistakes.
No, it had nothing to do with our being that picture perfect family. I won't try to delude anyone about that. It was simply that this young man has something really special going on inside him. Something undefinable, unique and unexpected. He knows things and he acts in accordance with that knowledge. He always has. Even as a toddler, whenever he met someone new, he would step back and we could almost see the wheels turning inside him as he sized up this stranger, whether it was a child or an adult. Whatever he said to them, once he came to any kind of conclusion, usually summed things up pretty astutely. It was uncanny. He nailed them every time. He seemed to have some kind of radar for what was going on inside people. Once, that ability mortified me when our new landlord approached him and he said, "Bad man," right to the man's face. We all laughed and I mumbled something about him watching a cartoon on television. As it turned out, the guy was stepping out on his wife. Who knew?
I have heard it suggested that all children have this ability to read people, to see through their subterfuge. But it has never left him over the years. If anything, it has gotten more finely tuned. Perhaps out of necessity.
When he was about eight years old, I took his sister and he and moved out of the household, for reasons I won't disclose here. We lived in another city about a 45 minute drive from the children's Dad. It was tough on all of us, but we adjusted, somehow. Each weekend, I drove the children to their Dad's house, where they stayed until first thing Monday morning and then it was back to my house for another week of school.
We did this for almost seven years. Then, with healing, we reconciled and remarried in 2010.
So our children have experienced some hardships. Through it all, I did my best to teach them, little by little, to be responsible for themselves; to be in tune and do their best to help themselves. It was all I had to give them and my circumstances, operating as a single mother with no family support, left me no choice but to do things this way. At the time, it felt like abandonment. But I knew it was the best thing for them so I persevered.
Yet I can't take credit for many of the characteristics I began to see developing in our son.
I'll give you an example of what I mean.
When he was about 10 or 11, he was dealing with some frustration that would lead to losing his temper.It happened on a regular basis, mostly because he has a mild learning disability which predisposes him to some confusion over abstract ideas. It wasn't too bad because he wasn't physically violent but he would get upset and then not have as much time to get his work done on that particular night. So, I realized he needed to learn to nip it in the bud. So I tried to explain it to him. He just listened, not saying too much.
Then, one night, I could see he was brewing something inside. All the signs were there. He was using words that indicated his frustration and I expected the inevitable. Then, nothing. Instead, he turned around and slowly walked upstairs. About fifteen minutes later, he came downstairs and apologized to me. I asked him where he had gone and why and he told me he had given himself a time out in his room until he could calm down and think.
I tell ya, I have never been so surprised and delighted. Who woulda thunk it?
Now, he's getting older, beginning to make plans for his life and, each time he reaches a new plateau of understanding and intimate insight about life and its ups and downs, I inwardly salute his strength of character and realize, truly, when we dedicated this young man into the care of God at a tender age, it was a very good decision. Because, despite the errors in judgement we have made over the years, he has, slowly but surely, shown by his actions and insights, that he is becoming a well-adjusted person with wisdom beyond his years. And I wonder, how did that happen and was he swapped at birth because I don't remember being the same way at his age. Nor does his father. Truly astounding.
Then I catch him teasing his sister, who tells him, "Be nice," and I remember, he is, after all, a teenager with foibles, shortcomings and growth pains.
Either way, he sure has taken us by storm.
Oh yeah, have I told you? I'm really proud of our son.
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